Smother Nature

As the Springwatch season grinds to a halt for another year (or at least until Summerwatch, Autumnwatch, Winterwatch, AugustBankHolidaywatch et al) that hoary old chestnut (no not Bill Oddie) raises its head again.  Have the BBC producers been guilty of over indulging in anthropomorphism, as they take us through the tortuous agonies of watching the life and death struggle of those poor fated creatures present the show?

 Yes I’m talking about Chrissie (Iknowalot  Butoverbearinglysmug), Martiny (Iknowabit Butlovemyhairmorethanlife) and Michaelary (Iknowhowtosmile Buthopekatiestaysaway).

We all know that to try and pretend they are just like real humans is ridiculous, the constant preening needed to keep their public images glossy and self importance glistening, is far greater than you are likely to find amongst  homo sapiens.  If they stray too far from the camera lens, they fear that the cold of public indifference will cause them to shrivel and die.

Let me do T'Auking

And so, irrespective of the brilliant wildlife action some unseen hero has captured and no matter how interesting the subject matter could be, they will witter on and on to camera, in an attempt to turn a Puffin nesting into Peyton Place or a Woodpecker feeding into Silence of the Lambs.

Hannibal Lecter - I think not

To get too sentimental about their chances of survival in TV Land is also a mistake. Only one in three will achieve maturity and or respect – Attenborough as it is known by followers of the species.

Remember we have already seen the demise of little Billy, who was sadly put down after becoming over agitated with the habitat he was forced to live in (and garbage he was being asked to present). Simony (Photographicus Splendicus) would seem to have found richer pastures to graze and what of the sainted Katie (Imsolovely Youdontcarewhatisay)?  Will she ever return to the Springwatch ecobubble, or will the biodiversity of general presenter land hold her forever?

Photographicus Splendicus (Very much in his environment at sea off Unst)

But beware, because new and possibly evasive species are starting to mark their territories in front of the camera and have quickly learnt how to mimic the attraction cries of the creatures they hope to replace. The silver tongued Iolo, which originates from among  the caves and forested mountains of Powys, can now be heard to reproduce a-m-a-z-i-n-g and  i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e so realistically that it is indiscernible from the real thing.

Young pretenders like the Charlie (also Photographicus Splendicus) may have learnt how to maximize  opportunities and take prime position by pairing with Producicus Wildlifedocumentary. The Charlie seems to have evolved with a greater covering of head hair than the former camera pointer, in order to be protected from the studio lights. Is this an indication of his intention to move in from the cold?

Whatever happens, don’t worry, if one or two should fail to survive, others will come in their place, prime-time nature programming has a way of ensuring its own survival by using a system called “talkdown”, sometimes also known as “target the lowest common denominator”.

I am told by the experts that study the Springwatch phenomena, that if you watch very, very closely sometimes you can catch glimpses of birds and other animals, r-e-m-a-r-k-a-b-l-e.